2004-08-24-1:56 a.m.
Saturday, August 28

I finally finished my new Jack Chick Parody Old Rime Radio Play for the Old Time Gospel Hour. It's on my schedule page at Hellboundalleee.com. `It's based on the Jack chick tract, Unloved. YOu can find it in the english tracts section at Chick.com. It's completely depraved, I think. But anyway, you can download it if you want. Check out everything else yuou can download at my site, by the way. Instead of referring everyone to my old page on diaryland, I'm sending everyone to Hellboundalleee.com .

2004-08-19-11:00 a.m.
Thursday, August 19

Anti-drug hysteria got out of hand a long time ago. An article in Reason Magazine illustrates it quite nicely:

Doctor Feelscared
On February 1, 2002, Cecil Knox was seeing patients in his Roanoke, Virginia, clinic when more than a dozen federal agents burst through the doors with guns drawn. Helmeted, shielded, and wearing bullet-proof vests, they terrified waiting patients and employees. One worker later told the Pain Relief Network, a patient advocacy group, she thought she and her husband, who was helping her in the office that day, would be shot. She looked on in horror as an agent put a gun to his head and ordered, "Get off the phone! Now!"

Oooooookay. This could be the funniest, or most horrifying thing EVAR. Just....just look, ok?
Steven Seagal's Music

2004-08-16-10:52 p.m.
Monday, August 16

And now for a scam letter:
FROM THE DESK OF
DR HENRY PIONEER
CHIEF DIRECTOR / DOCTOR

ATTEN:
This proposal might come to you as a surprise because it is from someone you do not know or have seen before, I am the director of Nigeria Specialist Hospital (NSH).

The crux of this letter is that i want you to stand as the next of kin to Mr NELSON ROBERT,Who pay in some amount of money into the CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. I and my colleagues have been trying all our possible best to get a capable person who will stand and claim this money and with the assurance am given to you,that as fast as you comply with us this money will be transfer into your account.

I will like you to know the whole details of this letter,their is one Mr NELSON ROBERT who kick the bucket here in Nigeria but it happend that this Mr NELSON ROBERT is a foreigner who visited Nigeria past 510 days back,and it happen that he got an accident on his way back to his hotel room and was brought to my hospital, that is how i got to know of this deal i want you to do,but this man gave up the ghost 432 hours he is been brought to my hospital,

The disease has his $622.15 million U.S dollars in (CBN).This is the business i want you with my colleagues and i play,i have the document of the disease person with me that bear's the name of his brother over the money he paid in the CBN,I contacted my lawyer and he confirmed that the document were valid and promised to assist and ensuring the successfu transfer of the money.That is why i write to you so that this money will be transfer into your personal account and when it is been transfer into your account i with my colleagues will come for our share,

I will like to reach with you now over a sharing point, 25% for you as the account owner and for your assistance. 65% for I and my colleagues for our investment in your country. 10% should be set aside to defray all incidental expenses both locally and internationally during the course of this transfer. Further more, if it interests'you i will like you to send the following when replying this mail for effective communication,

YOUR FAX NUMBER ,
YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER ,
YOUR ADDRESS,

Then for more information i will like you to write to me as soon as u read this letter.
Please do not hesitate to reply so that things will move fast and i with my colleague's will be coming down to your country for our own share and we will be relying on your advise on how to invest our money there,you will have other details as i read from you,and i will then give you the name to the next of his kin that you will use for it.Please if you are interested,do contact me with my mail address.

Best Regards
Dr Henry Pioneer
Chief Director / Doctor

Excuse my curkiosity, but did the gentleman in question also bite the dust as he passed over into the Land of Wind and Ghosts? As we say, it sounds like this man checked in to the front desk of the pearly gates and bought a one-way ticket to see the choir of angels. He seems to have traded in his briefcase for a harp and a pair of wings, if you know what I mean. He was bumped off to feed the worms.

This is very sad. And you say I can cash in on the stiff? Clue me in on this maggot feast situation!

Sincerely,
Alison F Randall
The Hellbound Alleee Show
http://www.hellboundalleee.com

Dear Mr. Alison Randall,

I got the reply of the mail I sent to you. I appreciate it, thank you for your quick response.

Actually, I have been looking for whom to be as the next of kin to my late patient; Mr Nelson Robert, now I have found you and I think it's a blessing to both of us to work on this transfer and also make way to our future, please sir, kindly send me your private phone number so that we can discuss at a length. The fact is that the man is dead and he is dead there is nothing I can do about it.

I look forward hearing from you.

Thanks
yours truely
Dr. Henry Pioneer

Hank,

You have a very refreshing attitude towards death. I guess that's because you are a doctor. You probably have seen many many dead people. I'd venture to guess you have seen many more grisly deaths than even American television can offer. What with all the buried cult members and witch-stonings in your country, it's probably too gruesome to contemplate. What does a dead witch look like?

I don't know how much money doctors make in your country, but I'll bet you make a lot with the little racket you have going there. So do you do this with all the patients you have that die? If I were you, and that's how I got rich, I would maybe wait a little bit longer before "starting the compressions," if you know what I mean. But I can't blame you. You guys probably don't even have a defibulation device. Perhaps with this transaction, you might be able to buy one for your hospital! Not that you would want to use it.

Sincerely,

Alison
Host, Hellbound Alleee audio show
http://www.objectivethought.com/hellboundalleee.html
Hellbound Alleee Mailing List
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hellboundalleee/
Downloads
http://www.strongatheism.com/radio.html

2004-08-11-2:26 p.m.
Me:
Which Nigerian spammer are You?

Franc:
Which Nigerian spammer are You?

2004-08-10-3:59 a.m.
Tuesday, August 10

I spent all day yesterday at a funeral home, staring at Grandma Gabi. She was, well, I can't put it delicately.

She was trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey, all sewn together and positioned just right, with a table centerpiece on top of her, a rosary in her hands and a cross just so in her coffin.

It was like, were we all going to eat her later?

I have never done it the Catholic way, so this was new. But that's hard to say since I haven't been to a funeral in 30 years. It was a family reuinion mostly, with people going in and out of the viewing room all day. I met some new family like Gabi's sister and people's husbands and wives.

Uncle Bob was still all smiles and laughter. He greeted people and said, "now she can't annoy people any more." and "She's never looked prettier." Franc laughed, carnival music went off in my head. Sometimes we sat alone in the room while people went out to eat or have drinks and smokes. Somebody from family had to babysit grandma.

I went up to the coffin and examined the contents--I saw the hole in her neck where the...well, you know. Franc mentioned he didn't want to know this had happened.

I sat through a short service in French, given by some kind of agnostic priest, apparently. He kept on saying, according to Franc, that "we don't know where we go," and "we cannot know what happens when we die." Interesting, considering all the incense being methodically passed over the coffin, and the shaking of the holy water.

UNcle Bob had a smirk on his face as he shook the thingie, the brass thingie over the coffin. He mentioned that Grandma hated religion earlier, and that she didn't believe in God or Jesus, just Saint Therese.

So many people seemed to believe, or just thought the traditions were nice. They kneeled on the kneelee in front of the casket, crossed themselves, and kissed the casket. Auntie kissed Grandma--on the hands, I guess. But she is a very nice lady and was very kind to me--everyone always is.

I managed to come to tears during the ceremony--when they played a Sarah McLaughlin song about being in the arms of the angels or something. It was a foreign service to me, but not without its charms. It just sort of lacked any personality. We all agreed on one thing that we couldn't get to happen: Grandma would have much rather had this one particular Quebecois drinking song played at her funeral...I am not familiar with it, but the refrain always belonged to Grandma:

"GOD DAMNED SON-OF-A-BITCH." That was her favorite phrase.

And that's part of what made her Grandma.

2004-07-20-12:58 p.m.
Tuesday, July 20
24/75 degrees

I can't explain it. It feels as if I am suffocating in heat, and it's only 24. I guess it's because the humidity is 69% and it has been for days. I could use some AC in here.

Today we got the movies Black Narcissus and Night and Fog in the mail from Rent-a-DVD. It's a great Canadian DVD service, only this small company is growing too fast and they can't seem to keep up with demand. The reason we chose this company is because it has a much better selection of movies.

Here's how we chose: I put "The Seventh Seal" and "The General" in the search engines of several different companies. The only one that had both of these films was Rent-a-DVD. It seemed like those two films represented the type of more specialized movie choices we tend to make--foreign, silent, etc. I mean, if a movie company doesn't have movies we really want to see, what's the point? The problem is, I have certain movies I've chosen for Franc to see, and we have yet to receive them. Seems that since there are very few places to rent or order these certain movies, they are so high in demand, I've waited three years to rent copies of them!

You see, I've been on a mission to educate Franc in film enthusiasm. It sure didn't take long. When I met him, he hadn't seen much more than Star Trek movies and The Lord of the Rings. No wonder he didn't care much about movies. The first thing I did was rent him a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey and American Beauty. That sealed the deal--he was hooked. But I had quite a long list of films to show him, and many of them remain unwatched, because of this problem of availability. So far, he has not seen Metropolis, Haxen, The General, Love and Death (good luck getting that one), Peeping Tom, Children of Paradise, Tommy, Hairspray, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, and The Naked Kiss. Yeah, I filled him full of most of the classics, and I have been able to get myself to watch some movies I had hesitated to see before, particularly French ones.

It's funny--this is a real suburban area, so we have a nearby video rental place that offers your typical new releases and a lot of crappy comedies. But you can also be sure to get a lot of French movies that Blockbuster in Seattle would never bother carrying. I stopped being prejudiced against French movies. And I learned the difference between those and Quebecois ones.

Which reminds me: I have to go rent The Barbarian Invasions.

2004-06-11-11:18 p.m.
Friday June 11

Site o'th'Day

Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest
You know those petry scam contests that have probably been around since the 1920's? These days, they send you an email...

Ladies and gentlemen, and fellow poets . . . It's now time to declare the winner of the largest cash prize ever awarded to an amateur poet . . . Our Poet of the Year for 2004 . . . and Grand Prize winner of $20,000 is . . .

Hellbound Alleee!

We're familiar with your work, Hellbound, and you know . . . it could happen just that way!

Dear Hellbound,

I would like to inform you of your nomination as Poet of the Year for 2004, and to personally invite you to read your poetry at the single largest gathering of poets in history, where you will be formally inducted as an International Poet of Merit and Honored Member of our Society for 2004.

Your induction will take place Friday evening, August 13th, in America's Birthplace, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, during the International Society of Poets' Summer 2004 Convention and Symposium.

You will also be honored with two separate and very special awards for your poetic achievement at special ceremonies throughout the weekend. ...and so on. They mention you get a big heavy silver bowl and a medallion to wear, and note that fabulous guest Florence Henderson will be there. There's lots of pictures of supposedly happy idiots...whoops, I mean bowl and medal winners who pretty much consist of everyone that paid the 600 dollar fee to get into the event.

I read about a hapless attendee who said the food was crappy, they got no drinks, they had to be farmed out to four hotels and he met nobody there who was satisfied or thrilled about it. It seems everyone was holding a Major Prize.

François and I looked around the web about these sort of scams and found the Wergleflomp Contests. It seems that, even though one seems to not even need to enter any such contest to be "nominated" for Poet of the Year, if one does happen to enter a cereal box's contents, one will receive a glowing letter of praise. The Wergleflomp contest is for the best crap poetry one has submitted to such a site. The past entries had us rolling on the floor:

Untitled

I want to cut a hole in your butt cheek
your left butt check
and put my COQUE COQUE COQUE in there

and do you, like I like to do nasty
In your new cut hole

Or perhaps if you had a COQUE COQUE COQUE
You could cut a hole in one of my butt cheeks
perhaps the right one

And do me like I've done you so many times
We could drink each other's jizz
like lemonade made from a Buffalo's pee pee

Let's kill all the people
All of them. Dead.
I love you.

Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest
2002 Winner
Rick Lupert

Letter from poetry.com to Rick Lupert regarding the following poem...
"Your poetry sparks the imagination and presents the reader with a fresh, unique perspective on life."

I entered my own poem to the site:

Brain Bleeding, Eyes Melting

i thought walmart was better then this
but kmart is not this mes up or target
they worker they don't care
if they coming down the area
they will run you over
and they other day
one could of ran over my child
the day someone do
there going to be a lot to answer to

the other night teen ager in there
running all over the store
like they is out on a baseball field
if you care about your store in killeen tx
you shall send someone in there
to se for there self
th worker don't care
how they look
and they don't care about your store

Patriia D Custumo

Copyright ©2004 Patriia D Custumo

You can find the poem on the site yourself by typing the author in the search engine. BTW, I got this "poem" from Planet Feedback, a customer complaint site. Yes, someone actually wrote this. Yes, a brain melting read. Anyway, I find by looking around the web that submitting a poem that doesn't get "accepted" is quite the challenge and hobby these days. I'll let you know what the "judges" think of my work!

2004-06-05-12:43 a.m.
Friday June 4

Dumbass writes back
Here's his lovely response:
You Feminists Suck !!! Why cant u just put put out as easily as the non-femenists you see on television (blonde bimbo's ) after all its only sex.i better spell right i dont want to look like an ILLiterate moron as that feminist so kindly put it

And here's the reply that he was owed:
I apologize for calling you an illiterate moron because of your atrocious spelling and grammar. I should have called you a smelly pile of shit.

"Why don't you feminists put out, blah blah..." what the fuck are you blathering on about, you idiot? Are you mad because your hygene skills are so lacking you can't get laid? That's not my fucking problem. Buy a prostitute or some porn, beat off and leave me the fuck alone, you drooling, profoundly retarted jizz mop.

No offense to those who are stupid through no fault of their own.

Spelling, grammar and fallacy report:

You Feminists Suck !!!
This "sentence" would have been more commanding if it had been either "You suck!" or "Feminists suck!" I would forgive him for the three capital letters, but it was not a title, just the first sentence in his silly little impotent comment.

Why cant u
That would be "you." This is not a chat room. What a silly boy.

just put put out as easily as the non-femenists
The word is "non-feminists." The problem with his "logic" is that he has never read one word I have written suggesting that I do not "put out" as he so eloquently puts it. Nor have I ever suggested that others should not "put out." Of course, confronted by a prize like him, I would suggest anyone of the female persuasion not only never "put out," but they should give him the hardest kick in the groin they are able. Hopefully they would render him completely sterile.

you see on television (blonde bimbo's )
The use of the apostrophe is easily mastered. It is usually either a mark of possession, or used in place of a missing letter. There is neither in this case, so the spelling "bimbos" would be correct. I have to laugh at his use of the term, and wonder if he just stepped out of a taping of Match Game '75 in a loud, plaid suit.

after all its only sex.
Before I mention the sorely missed comma after the parentheses, I must point out the repeated problem with the use of the apostrophe. He used a contraction for "it is," therefore there is a missing letter, and the word should be spelled "it's." I have no argument with the sentiment "it's only sex." Of course, when one is asked to have sex with someone who smells terrible, it ceases being "only sex," and becomes an act of altruism, which I, as an objectivist, cannot endorse.

i better spell right i dont want to look like an ILLiterate moron as that feminist so kindly put it The illiterate moron should now pay close attention to the corrected sentence: "I had better spell correctly, as I would not want to look like 'an illiterate moron,' as you so kindly stated." I'm afraid dear, that you failed miserably. It's back to school for you! I dare say any anti-feminist should want to beat you to a pulp for representing them so poorly. Good night.

2004-05-26-3:49 p.m.
Wednesday May 26

Hooray! I got hate mail!
Actually, it's not much to be excited about, really. Here it is:

name = Grantuss
email = Slimbob107@hotmail.com
comments = Feminists is just anuther name for LESBIAN

I made sure and mention the egregious errors in his spelling and grammar. I mean, really. He spelled it "anuther." Then I pointed out very few secure straight men would have anything against women having sex with each other. Pretty much what one would expect.

I'm not sure he gave me the correct email address, but he did send me this message FOUR TIMES. Only one had this name and address, so perhaps it was some kind of slipup on his part.

To my moron: You're famous! Yay! Phone your mother! This is probably the biggest achievement of your life! Congratulations, and my condolences for the extra chromosome. God is obviously neither good nor great, but he must have had a sense of humour in order to make you look like that! Salut!

2004-05-07-4:21 a.m.
Friday 7 May

Yes the "Jack Chick" parody show, This Was Your Life is finished! Hallelujah!

It's pretty darned funny, people, if I do say so myself. I can't wait to do another, and I am already working on a script for the new tract I lampooned, called "The Unloved."

Download

2004-04-26-11:38 a.m.
Monday April 26

Work on the Old Time Gospel Revival Hour progresses: however I have been a bit sidetracked by my mother-in-law's receiving a fresh, 46 year-old kidney! It began working right away, she looks very well, the stitches are neat as can be--no bruising, and she looks happier than I've seen her in a long time.
A word to the readers: please be an organ donor. You don't need them after you die! If your "god" is worth worshipping, she wouldn't care if you were missing an eyeball (If thine eye offendeth thee...) or some skin? If your god sends you to hell because you have no heart left down there in your coffin, or in ash form sitting on your kid's mantle, well, good riddence to bad rubbish, I always say. You don't need such a superficial god. Besides--you were going to sit around gazing up at its face all day anyway. And Heaven, according to the bible, is several times hotter than Hell, so, there you go!

I updated the Live 365 station, but I am thinking about using a different server and adding more radio shows--ostensibly creating a new atheist network, just to keep them on their toes. Why should they be a monoploy? So, my show would still be Hellbound Alleee, but the station would have a nifty new name.

P.S. Mom's apartment is nice and clean, with lots of space. Sigh. I wish I could stay here.

2004-04-21-2:39 p.m.

Wednesday, April 21

I have been happily at work on my Jack Chick radio play. I never thought I would be doing something so rewarding like that. I am using software called "Audacity" which is free and perfect for what I am doing. The only thing really hard about it is getting people to send in their voice parts. Heck, they don't have anything to do that takes more than a few minutes. I'm the one trying to put it all together--not that it isn't entirely rewarding. I just hope people don't take it all wrong and think it's a pro-christian play or something.

Actually, I should think about that for a minute: what should I do to promote this? Would it not be prudent to pass it on to Landover Baptist Church and play along with their whole pretend Baptist Schtick? It seems like it would be cool to them. I don't know. I'll send it to them and see what happens. As long as it is not too much Chick and not enough me. Who else would be interested in this?

2004-04-02-12:06 a.m.
Thursday, April 1

There are to be no April Fools' Jokes Today.

I guess what I should do is tell you something about New York City. It's been awhile. I didn't write
anything about it because right after I got home, I got pneumonia and couldn't do Jack Squat. It was bad.

Now I'm better, so I can start producing again. I suppose this blog just isn't the sort of blog I was doing in the beginning. I guess I find this a lot more interesting than news and websites. Not that "everybody" isn't doing this either.

So, I went to NYC all by myself. It was fabulous. I want to go live there. I love the subway, too. I was greeted at Penn Station by Kathleen Hanna, who looks the same, except her hair is a bit more gray. We got on the C-Train and headed for her house in SoHo.

It was a great house, built over 200 years ago. They re-did everything. There is only one firplace now, where there were several. The place has several floors, all with steep, steep stairs. I was pretty sore. The studio was on the top floor, and that's where I slept.


I had a lot of great adventures running around NYC, looking at everything, seeing the sites, and poking around places.


If you want to see my photographs, go ahead and check out Alleee's Photos. That should tell you what's been going on. As you can tell by my new sidebar, I am also dabbling in radio. The page linked can tell you what's happening on my station at any given time, as I announce all the updates. You should really listen to my station. Seriously. Go now.